Being Joe Biden

A tall tale of a political prototype

BEING JOE BIDEN

I am Joe Biden. I was born a Democrat in 1942.

According to Wikipedia, I am the son of a father that had been wealthy until hard times struck. Our family purchased a home in the affluent Long Island suburb of Garden City in the fall of 1946. I was born when my father was still affluent; thus, I was born into the dire straits of an underprivileged white family. We had to downsize when we moved out of our home and into a smaller apartment. But through hard work, our family emerged as a victorious example of American ingenuity, pride, and genuine sweat equity.

I am exemplified by the struggles of my dear dad, and I am who I am today by the grace of my father’s determination to succeed. We Bidens are a proud bunch and make no apologies for our successes nor do we dwell on our failures.

As an American, I have always been aware of the existential struggles defined by race and circumstance. This American struggle has defined my life as a politician and chameleon. I change colors with the seasons and this ability defines my character as a stoic survivor and shrewd politician. Any strengths that I have cultivated are a result of my sense of justice and the never-ending search for opportunities found in the political world. I, Joe Biden, am a textbook politician—and I am proud of this fact.

I am also proud of the fact that I was able—through hard work and diligence—to overcome a stutter that was a result of the tumultuous financial struggles our family had endured. By reciting passages from famous poets such as Robert Frost and Bob Dylan I overcame the stuttering I was encumbered with. When I became a used car salesman, I perfected my now-famous political sales persona.

It is a personality that employs a host of clever exaggerations and fabrications on par with the best entertainers and comedians of our time. I am humbly proud of this trait and continue to inflate the truth when any political advantage might be gained. I enjoy my status as an adept liar and slick politician as well—and consider myself in the same league with famous political heavyweights like Louisiana’s very own Huey Long, known as the Kingfish. He was a gifted lawyer and I count myself as a member of this rarefied class of professional politicians. After all, I did become US President and even accomplished this with barely any public turnouts at my campaign rallies. This is no accident I will assure you.

It is also a fact that Barack, better known to our family as Barry, is a kindred spirit. His background as a spook from Langley attracted me to his presidential campaign in 2007. ‘Bama, as I liked to call him, was a great ally in providing the means to secure the Biden family’s financial future while I served the United States, Inc. I will never forget the great advantages that Barry and his cohorts afforded the Biden family; nor can I ever forget how his acumen as a gifted orator assisted me as a recovering stutterer. Man, he is golden— even if his skin is brown! The Biden organization is forever in Barry’s debt.

So, where are we today…I mean the Biden bunch? For one thing, we Bidens are thrilled to be representing all the hard-working Americans who believe (as we do) that inflation is just a brief interlude before a great leap into the American dream of prosperity and a better world for all. This glorious dream is going to materialize because the efforts of Wall St and Janet Yellen have your backs, and I am here to assure you that I know what I’m talking about.

Why just the other day I had lunch with Jamie Dimon and he said to me, “Hey, after the smoke clears, nothing will look like yesterday!”…and this is a good thing. I can tell you that our family’s financial holdings have only improved since this whole Ukrainian deal has been gathering steam. It’s truly the miracle of opportunities in the USA, and the Dept of Defense has been a real boon to all of us investors in the American dream. Make no bones about that!

Which brings me to Putin.

Why did Vlad have to go and invade Ukraine? We had a great little business going there, and a couple of the bioweapons labs were just starting to show a profit. The Russians just don’t like it when we start to get ahead—but we won’t let that stop us. That’s the thing about the Biden brand—when it comes to profits, whether it’s a laptop or any other unnecessary distraction, we stay the course and focus on the corporate bottom line. This is what makes America great—and as much as I don’t like to admit it—Donald Trump was a pretty good businessman too. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not endorsing him for God’s sake—we don’t need to go there—but we Bidens support the big businesses that continue to prosper. Now, I know that some folks might wonder what it means when Silicon Valley lays off 20,000 workers, or FaceBook/Meta lays off 11,000 workers—look… this is just a bump in the road during America’s glorious economic recovery. And my administration is taking steps to ensure that these bumps in the road don’t throw the whole front end of the economy out of alignment. I may not be the best driver—but I sure as hell didn’t drive the car into the ditch like “W” did when he was president. I have better script writers for one thing—and this means that we all should feel more secure knowing that it’s not just me making all the important decisions.

I may not be the sharpest tack in the toolbox, but one thing’s for sure— I know what a sharp tack looks like…and not to worry—I know it ain’t me!

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